Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to figure out how to love myself. It has involved a lot of yoga, meditation writing, discussions with myself, and taking a step back and really examining my life.
We live in a world filled with distractions; social media, online dating, television…the new Sam Smith album(ugly crying)…but what if we just turned off the distractions and focused on ourselves, befriended ourselves? These distractions deter us from the raw emotions that we need to feel; loneliness, heartbreak, anger, sadness, or even happiness.
In the beginning dating was a huge distraction for me, but no matter how attractive the guy was, no matter how much fun we were having, the date always ended up like a mini therapy session. “Oh, I could’ve had more sex and my ex and I would still be together? Noted (puts on sunglasses and starts silently weeping).”
When we go through a breakup there are so many storylines; sort of like Game of Thrones. There are so many storylines of how the relationship ended; what happened, how it could have been prevented, where it went wrong, what could have been done differently. You can literally drive yourself insane with the “whys” and I have.
I have not talked about the breakup with, well, we will call him Hank. It’s been a painful and arduous experience. You see, with Hank, I needed him because I loved him; I didn’t love him because I needed him. He enhanced my potential, he made me better. When the relationship ended, I was just left there staring at the wall…I mean, literally staring at the wall…saying what the fuck just happened? I guess I just thought I had found someone where the illusion of stability in a relationship would last forever.
It’s been six months since our breakup and I still think about why we ended. Did we not talk enough about the impact that my brain surgery was going to have? Should we have discussed my diagnoses in more length to see if it was something our relationship could withstand? Did he feel lonely? Did he not feel loved? Did he cheat on me because I could not give him what he needed?
My ego has a very strong hold on my heart. I need to let go of the whys; I need to be vulnerable and open. I need to connect with the pain, but allow myself to move on and then connect more fluidly with other people.
In all honesty, my ego has also played a huge role in being cruel with my words to Hank. I wanted him to feel pain the way I am feeling pain. Hank went from being my lover, best friend to now being what feels like the worst of enemies. He went from being someone I couldn’t wait to run and hug, to now crying when I see his name. Love is a real mother fucker.
You see I cherished Hank, he was extremely precious to me, as valuable to me as my own life, and I truly loved him.
I don’t know how long it will take me to recover from this breakup, but I do know that if I ever have the opportunity to be in another long term relationship with someone, I want to engage my partner in an openhearted way, notice that my partner is an ever changing person and that we can change together, acknowledge suffering and pain in one another, I want my partner to be home with a foundation built on self-love.