2018…

I want to first start off this post by giving a huge shout out to our MN Vikings for one hell of game last night. I don’t like football, in fact, I loathe football, but let me tell you something, this game…this game WAS EPIC. It did something for all of the people in Minnesota regardless if you are sports fan or not, it just made you feel fucking good and happy; we all needed that.

Alright, so I have not posted in awhile. We had Christmas and New Years and then there was this situation with my lady part….

Did you ladies know that your little lady (I am referring to your vagina) can get stressed out? I am not talking about an STD or a yeast infection; I am literally saying your lady part can get mad at you.

So, I was dating Nick and we had a night where he came over, and there was this odd thing where he grabbed my hand, and did one of those “feel for it”, but it was just like gliding my hand over a slab of bologna meat…and then he was kissing me like a lizard. It was so awkward and too much, I literally couldn’t handle life. Then this MF passed out, and was having night sweats in MY BED, and then I had to wake his ass up and had to ask him to leave; keep in mind he is 6’6. I think any ladies vagina would get stressed out; I mean…

After this incident, I was like, okay Jess…you need to get your shit together…be done with online dating because it’s awful, focus on your career, be social, be a yes person, figure out my happy.

Riding the Waves of My Life

For the last couple of months I have been dating Dan; the guy I used to date a few years ago. AND FUCK MAN, I really like Dan. He makes me happy whenever we are together; that’s the kicker, when we are together. When we are not together, I have no idea when I am going to hear from him. We went out for Pho on Thursday night and I have yet to hear from him. I told Dan how I feel about him, in a text message, and his response was basically “samesies”, and I have yet to hear from him since that message; which was on Thursday, it’s now Monday.

It’s hard with Dan, because when I am with him there are moments of precise feelings that I have never felt before. He, my best friend and I were all at a concert a few weeks ago, and my best friend turned to me and said, “I have not heard you laugh like this in a very, very long time”.

Here’s the deal, I love to love and I just want someone to like me as much as I like them. I want to be acknowledged and be pursued. I want someone to text me because they’re thinking of me, or they saw something and it reminded them of me. I want to be wanted.

I could hug Dan for…well ever. I enjoy his hugs and enjoy his company, but unfortunately I don’t think the feelings are mutual and if my text message scared him off…well, that is too bad.

Attending to the Details

The change in careers is possibly the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I was miserable in my last job and it showed in every aspect of my life. You have to enjoy what you do for work…you just gotta, you spend so much time doing that activity and surrounding yourself with those people. I am so happy where I am at. The job, the people…all of it. I could not have made a better move for myself.

I have become really close with a co-worker, I call him my “work husband”. He’s fucking awesome and he makes work fun and we just do fun things together. I like surrounding myself with positive people.

What’s Next

ARUBA!!! This girl is off to Aruba!!

Then…well, I don’t know…

JV

Old Lovers

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m over men in general, or if I’m just completely numb from my break-up with Hank. Everything about dating and men…people, really. So over it.

I recently went on seven dates with a guy, which is six more than I usually go on, so I feel like I’m improving.

Enter, Nick, after my sabbatical from online dating and solely focusing on loving myself; which included a job change and learning that my ex had been cheating on me, I decided it was time to see what was out there; slim Pickens, people, slim Pickens.

Anyhooter, I met Nick on a Sunday afternoon at Spyhouse Coffee in Northeast. I arrived late, because at this point, I just don’t care anymore. Spyhouse was so annoyingly crowded, we walked on over to a brewery and then I learned all about Nick. He is tall, 6’6 tall…so, I had the tall piece covered. He was a medic in the Marines, works at the VA…lives in Minneapolis, has good man hands. Whatever, I figured I’d entertain the idea of more dates, he made me laugh so why not? So, we went on more dates, had more conversations and more laughs.

Then, we went to brunch one Sunday in Kenwood, (where I basically grew up) and as I was driving I spotted this attractive fellow walking, and I as I stared I said out loud “is that Da..Holy shit! It’s Dan”! I almost crashed into Burch Steakhouse as I was staring at him.

I met Nick for Brunch and it was nice, but I was thinking about Dan. I dated Dan about four years ago, and man, did I love like him. He was so unique and so genuine. Then there’s me, Ms. Neurotic, “you don’t text me enough, so this isn’t going to work…” and, yep, I ended things because I was a needy ass hole. A few days after almost killing Dan, I ended up finding him on Instagram and I messaged him (what? I have stalker like tendencies) We went out a few days later…more on Dan in a bit; have to finish up with Nick.

Nick ended up coming over one night. He smelled like a vodka distillery, but whatever, people go and have drinks on the weekend; I sit at home and watch re-runs of Friends – no judgement. I rented a movie and asked Nick if he wanted something to drink; he said whiskey. I was all…ummmm but you smell like booze already. Whatever. I poured him a finger pour of Knob Creek and then I was excited to watch my terrible action movie with my dog…and Nick. Then what did Nick proceed to do? TALK!! Oh, Nick…my poor, sweet soul. Never, EVER talk during a movie. What are Jess’ biggest pet peeves you ask? Loud chewers and movie talkers. I digress..I wanted to find the sharpest object and stab it repeatedly in my eye. I bit my tongue and just said, “hey! Look! a movie!” THEN Nick wanted to make out…which fine…but he kissed like a lizard and I just can’t. It was all too much.

Then he passed out…yes, HE PASSED THE FUCK OUT, and since he ruined the movie, I put on Friends and did some online shopping. I kicked his ass out when he asked “who are you texting” Bitch, why are you passing out and having night sweats in my bed! I’m texting the only thing that never lets me down, Nordstrom.

Nick and I were supposed to go to brunch the next day; that didn’t happen. I also have not talked to him since. I can’t do it. All I picture is a lizard.

Dan…loud sigh…he’s still that same unique man I remember. We went to this hidden gem of Japanese Whiskey Bar called Gori Gori Peku. The lighting was dim, we were the only two in the quaint little space, and there were about twenty Japanese Whiskeys just staring at us all sexy like. It was wonderful. After a few cocktails we decided to go get food at Red Rabbit, which was excellent. Dan and I always have a really good time when we’re out because we have the same interests. In my head I just wanted to grab his buns and say “be mine, forever!!!” But I didn’t want to come off too strong. Dan and I haven’t gone out since. Schedules haven’t aligned and, again, I just don’t really care, so we shall see what happens.

And now…well, let’s see…my Friday night consisted of sitting in traffic, coming home, crawling into bed with my dog, and looking at memes.

My Saturday has now consisted of going to get my nails done, working, and now binge watching Schitts Creek…with my dog…in bed.

And, you know what? I’m completely happy; sometimes I miss having a hug from a man, but I’d rather just hug my dog, it comes with less bull shit.

JV

Self Love

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to figure out how to love myself. It has involved a lot of yoga, meditation writing, discussions with myself, and taking a step back and really examining my life.

We live in a world filled with distractions; social media, online dating, television…the new Sam Smith album(ugly crying)…but what if we just turned off the distractions and focused on ourselves, befriended ourselves? These distractions deter us from the raw emotions that we need to feel; loneliness, heartbreak, anger, sadness, or even happiness.

In the beginning dating was a huge distraction for me, but no matter how attractive the guy was, no matter how much fun we were having, the date always ended up like a mini therapy session. “Oh, I could’ve had more sex and my ex and I would still be together? Noted (puts on sunglasses and starts silently weeping).”

When we go through a breakup there are so many storylines; sort of like Game of Thrones. There are so many storylines of how the relationship ended; what happened, how it could have been prevented, where it went wrong, what could have been done differently. You can literally drive yourself insane with the “whys” and I have.

 meme

I have not talked about the breakup with, well, we will call him Hank. It’s been a painful and arduous experience. You see, with Hank, I needed him because I loved him; I didn’t love him because I needed him. He enhanced my potential, he made me better. When the relationship ended, I was just left there staring at the wall…I mean, literally staring at the wall…saying what the fuck just happened? I guess I just thought I had found someone where the illusion of stability in a relationship would last forever.

It’s been six months since our breakup and I still think about why we ended. Did we not talk enough about the impact that my brain surgery was going to have? Should we have discussed my diagnoses in more length to see if it was something our relationship could withstand? Did he feel lonely? Did he not feel loved? Did he cheat on me because I could not give him what he needed?

My ego has a very strong hold on my heart. I need to let go of the whys; I need to be vulnerable and open. I need to connect with the pain, but allow myself to move on and then connect more fluidly with other people.

In all honesty, my ego has also played a huge role in being cruel with my words to Hank. I wanted him to feel pain the way I am feeling pain. Hank went from being my lover, best friend to now being what feels like the worst of enemies. He went from being someone I couldn’t wait to run and hug, to now crying when I see his name. Love is a real mother fucker.

You see I cherished Hank, he was extremely precious to me, as valuable to me as my own life, and I truly loved him.

I don’t know how long it will take me to recover from this breakup, but I do know that if I ever have the opportunity to be in another long term relationship with someone, I want to engage my partner in an openhearted way, notice that my partner is an ever changing person and that we can change together, acknowledge suffering and pain in one another, I want my partner to be home with a foundation built on self-love.

JV

The Tinder Experince

Tinder as defined by Urban Dictionary A dating app in which 95% of the guys are looking for casual sex or nudes to jack off to, and 95% of the girls are either looking for bae or just want to make friends…resulting in pretty much consistent disappointment and frustration for both parties.

The Scene: The Happy Gnome

The potential Suitor: A short and little man named..well, we will just call him Tim (to protect his identity).

Tinder is…aggressive. That’s about as good as any word to use. Why did I join? For casual sex, duh. Just kidding. I joined to meet people and meet people I have; enter Tim.

After swiping left on about 100 different men either having a selfie with a large fish or a selfie with a small fish, I came across an attractive gentleman and swiped right. Being new to the Tinder world, I didn’t realize that if the other person swiped right to me, it would bring up this fancy black screen saying “YAY! You’ve been matched!” Then you can talk with said person right away.itsamatch

So, after swiping, talking and exchanging phone numbers, Tim and I decided on happy hour. He said he lived in St. Paul and loved going to the neighborhood bars, so I named off a few local places; for example, The Muddy Pig, and then he seemed confused…”Where is that”? COME ON MAN! Don’t you live in St. Paul? Then I suggested Happy Gnome, which I am still not positive he knew where that was either, but Gnome was the agreed upon place.

I arrived about 15 minutes early because I like to sit, sip on a beverage (Negroni), neurotically think about what my date will look like; will he be short, will he have tiny t-rex hands, will he be wearing socks with sandals, will he have nice teeth? You know, the usual stuff. I also like to sit and stealthy stare at all the gentlemen walking up.

Tim arrived right on time, which was nice, he gave me hug and sat down. Right away I knew it wasn’t going to work. He was short and small. I mean, one of my thighs is bigger than his waist. Here’s the deal, I am 5’8 and I am busty, so I need a man who is taller and has some meat on his bones. I like when a man can grab me and wrap me around in his arms…could Tim do that? No. Could I do that to him? Yes.

Anyway, sitting at Happy Gnome he ordered a fruity cocktail pink drink…no judgement (insert sarcasm) and we had conversation on something, I really don’t remember. Then for whatever reason, we decided to walk down to WA Frost (another bar a resident St. Paulian didn’t know), and he ordered another fruity cocktail and the lady (me) ordered a Jameson on the rocks, and the bartender poured me about a five finger pour, so I knew I was either going to have eat dinner with this guy or call my mother to come and get me.

We started talking about Game of Thrones which is something I could talk about for hours. I then asked if he liked Dexter and he said no… and then I was just too shocked to even continue talking to him, but I had this huge glass of whiskey, so I had to continue on….anyway, then he chugged his drink and checked his phone and said “I don’t mean to be rude, but I have to get back to work.” I gave him the side eye stare and then started fake crying and said, “what am I, a boring date?” Sideeye The bartender was laughing and after I paid the bill, (yes, I paid the bill because, he was too busy on his phone) Tim tried slipping me a $20, I was like “dude, don’t worry about it”. Just a little advice, if a lady has an almost FULL glass of whisky in front of her, DO NOT rush a lady! I mean…really.

Shorty caught up to me and was all “wait, you didn’t finish your drink do you want to go to my place and grill?” “What? You just said you needed to go back to work” Also, no I do not want to go to your house…I just met you. What do I look like? A lady of the night? Grill? Is this code for Doin It?

A few things I learned.

  1. I hate being rushed. HATE IT more than anything. I also hate leaving whiskey at a bar that I did not get to finish…
  2. The average height of a female in the US is 5’4 and the average height of a male is 5’9…soooooo…I have isolated the problem there.
  3. People annoy me and I don’t think I am ready to date yet.

Update – because I know I have so many devout followers.

I had a second date with another short man from Tinder. It went better than the first date; however, I am now off of Tinder…so, if that gives any inclination as to how well it really went, there you go.

Where are all the tall men at?!

 

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