Self Love

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to figure out how to love myself. It has involved a lot of yoga, meditation writing, discussions with myself, and taking a step back and really examining my life.

We live in a world filled with distractions; social media, online dating, television…the new Sam Smith album(ugly crying)…but what if we just turned off the distractions and focused on ourselves, befriended ourselves? These distractions deter us from the raw emotions that we need to feel; loneliness, heartbreak, anger, sadness, or even happiness.

In the beginning dating was a huge distraction for me, but no matter how attractive the guy was, no matter how much fun we were having, the date always ended up like a mini therapy session. “Oh, I could’ve had more sex and my ex and I would still be together? Noted (puts on sunglasses and starts silently weeping).”

When we go through a breakup there are so many storylines; sort of like Game of Thrones. There are so many storylines of how the relationship ended; what happened, how it could have been prevented, where it went wrong, what could have been done differently. You can literally drive yourself insane with the “whys” and I have.

 meme

I have not talked about the breakup with, well, we will call him Hank. It’s been a painful and arduous experience. You see, with Hank, I needed him because I loved him; I didn’t love him because I needed him. He enhanced my potential, he made me better. When the relationship ended, I was just left there staring at the wall…I mean, literally staring at the wall…saying what the fuck just happened? I guess I just thought I had found someone where the illusion of stability in a relationship would last forever.

It’s been six months since our breakup and I still think about why we ended. Did we not talk enough about the impact that my brain surgery was going to have? Should we have discussed my diagnoses in more length to see if it was something our relationship could withstand? Did he feel lonely? Did he not feel loved? Did he cheat on me because I could not give him what he needed?

My ego has a very strong hold on my heart. I need to let go of the whys; I need to be vulnerable and open. I need to connect with the pain, but allow myself to move on and then connect more fluidly with other people.

In all honesty, my ego has also played a huge role in being cruel with my words to Hank. I wanted him to feel pain the way I am feeling pain. Hank went from being my lover, best friend to now being what feels like the worst of enemies. He went from being someone I couldn’t wait to run and hug, to now crying when I see his name. Love is a real mother fucker.

You see I cherished Hank, he was extremely precious to me, as valuable to me as my own life, and I truly loved him.

I don’t know how long it will take me to recover from this breakup, but I do know that if I ever have the opportunity to be in another long term relationship with someone, I want to engage my partner in an openhearted way, notice that my partner is an ever changing person and that we can change together, acknowledge suffering and pain in one another, I want my partner to be home with a foundation built on self-love.

JV

The Tinder Experince

Tinder as defined by Urban Dictionary A dating app in which 95% of the guys are looking for casual sex or nudes to jack off to, and 95% of the girls are either looking for bae or just want to make friends…resulting in pretty much consistent disappointment and frustration for both parties.

The Scene: The Happy Gnome

The potential Suitor: A short and little man named..well, we will just call him Tim (to protect his identity).

Tinder is…aggressive. That’s about as good as any word to use. Why did I join? For casual sex, duh. Just kidding. I joined to meet people and meet people I have; enter Tim.

After swiping left on about 100 different men either having a selfie with a large fish or a selfie with a small fish, I came across an attractive gentleman and swiped right. Being new to the Tinder world, I didn’t realize that if the other person swiped right to me, it would bring up this fancy black screen saying “YAY! You’ve been matched!” Then you can talk with said person right away.itsamatch

So, after swiping, talking and exchanging phone numbers, Tim and I decided on happy hour. He said he lived in St. Paul and loved going to the neighborhood bars, so I named off a few local places; for example, The Muddy Pig, and then he seemed confused…”Where is that”? COME ON MAN! Don’t you live in St. Paul? Then I suggested Happy Gnome, which I am still not positive he knew where that was either, but Gnome was the agreed upon place.

I arrived about 15 minutes early because I like to sit, sip on a beverage (Negroni), neurotically think about what my date will look like; will he be short, will he have tiny t-rex hands, will he be wearing socks with sandals, will he have nice teeth? You know, the usual stuff. I also like to sit and stealthy stare at all the gentlemen walking up.

Tim arrived right on time, which was nice, he gave me hug and sat down. Right away I knew it wasn’t going to work. He was short and small. I mean, one of my thighs is bigger than his waist. Here’s the deal, I am 5’8 and I am busty, so I need a man who is taller and has some meat on his bones. I like when a man can grab me and wrap me around in his arms…could Tim do that? No. Could I do that to him? Yes.

Anyway, sitting at Happy Gnome he ordered a fruity cocktail pink drink…no judgement (insert sarcasm) and we had conversation on something, I really don’t remember. Then for whatever reason, we decided to walk down to WA Frost (another bar a resident St. Paulian didn’t know), and he ordered another fruity cocktail and the lady (me) ordered a Jameson on the rocks, and the bartender poured me about a five finger pour, so I knew I was either going to have eat dinner with this guy or call my mother to come and get me.

We started talking about Game of Thrones which is something I could talk about for hours. I then asked if he liked Dexter and he said no… and then I was just too shocked to even continue talking to him, but I had this huge glass of whiskey, so I had to continue on….anyway, then he chugged his drink and checked his phone and said “I don’t mean to be rude, but I have to get back to work.” I gave him the side eye stare and then started fake crying and said, “what am I, a boring date?” Sideeye The bartender was laughing and after I paid the bill, (yes, I paid the bill because, he was too busy on his phone) Tim tried slipping me a $20, I was like “dude, don’t worry about it”. Just a little advice, if a lady has an almost FULL glass of whisky in front of her, DO NOT rush a lady! I mean…really.

Shorty caught up to me and was all “wait, you didn’t finish your drink do you want to go to my place and grill?” “What? You just said you needed to go back to work” Also, no I do not want to go to your house…I just met you. What do I look like? A lady of the night? Grill? Is this code for Doin It?

A few things I learned.

  1. I hate being rushed. HATE IT more than anything. I also hate leaving whiskey at a bar that I did not get to finish…
  2. The average height of a female in the US is 5’4 and the average height of a male is 5’9…soooooo…I have isolated the problem there.
  3. People annoy me and I don’t think I am ready to date yet.

Update – because I know I have so many devout followers.

I had a second date with another short man from Tinder. It went better than the first date; however, I am now off of Tinder…so, if that gives any inclination as to how well it really went, there you go.

Where are all the tall men at?!

 

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