2018…

I want to first start off this post by giving a huge shout out to our MN Vikings for one hell of game last night. I don’t like football, in fact, I loathe football, but let me tell you something, this game…this game WAS EPIC. It did something for all of the people in Minnesota regardless if you are sports fan or not, it just made you feel fucking good and happy; we all needed that.

Alright, so I have not posted in awhile. We had Christmas and New Years and then there was this situation with my lady part….

Did you ladies know that your little lady (I am referring to your vagina) can get stressed out? I am not talking about an STD or a yeast infection; I am literally saying your lady part can get mad at you.

So, I was dating Nick and we had a night where he came over, and there was this odd thing where he grabbed my hand, and did one of those “feel for it”, but it was just like gliding my hand over a slab of bologna meat…and then he was kissing me like a lizard. It was so awkward and too much, I literally couldn’t handle life. Then this MF passed out, and was having night sweats in MY BED, and then I had to wake his ass up and had to ask him to leave; keep in mind he is 6’6. I think any ladies vagina would get stressed out; I mean…

After this incident, I was like, okay Jess…you need to get your shit together…be done with online dating because it’s awful, focus on your career, be social, be a yes person, figure out my happy.

Riding the Waves of My Life

For the last couple of months I have been dating Dan; the guy I used to date a few years ago. AND FUCK MAN, I really like Dan. He makes me happy whenever we are together; that’s the kicker, when we are together. When we are not together, I have no idea when I am going to hear from him. We went out for Pho on Thursday night and I have yet to hear from him. I told Dan how I feel about him, in a text message, and his response was basically “samesies”, and I have yet to hear from him since that message; which was on Thursday, it’s now Monday.

It’s hard with Dan, because when I am with him there are moments of precise feelings that I have never felt before. He, my best friend and I were all at a concert a few weeks ago, and my best friend turned to me and said, “I have not heard you laugh like this in a very, very long time”.

Here’s the deal, I love to love and I just want someone to like me as much as I like them. I want to be acknowledged and be pursued. I want someone to text me because they’re thinking of me, or they saw something and it reminded them of me. I want to be wanted.

I could hug Dan for…well ever. I enjoy his hugs and enjoy his company, but unfortunately I don’t think the feelings are mutual and if my text message scared him off…well, that is too bad.

Attending to the Details

The change in careers is possibly the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I was miserable in my last job and it showed in every aspect of my life. You have to enjoy what you do for work…you just gotta, you spend so much time doing that activity and surrounding yourself with those people. I am so happy where I am at. The job, the people…all of it. I could not have made a better move for myself.

I have become really close with a co-worker, I call him my “work husband”. He’s fucking awesome and he makes work fun and we just do fun things together. I like surrounding myself with positive people.

What’s Next

ARUBA!!! This girl is off to Aruba!!

Then…well, I don’t know…

JV

Self Love

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to figure out how to love myself. It has involved a lot of yoga, meditation writing, discussions with myself, and taking a step back and really examining my life.

We live in a world filled with distractions; social media, online dating, television…the new Sam Smith album(ugly crying)…but what if we just turned off the distractions and focused on ourselves, befriended ourselves? These distractions deter us from the raw emotions that we need to feel; loneliness, heartbreak, anger, sadness, or even happiness.

In the beginning dating was a huge distraction for me, but no matter how attractive the guy was, no matter how much fun we were having, the date always ended up like a mini therapy session. “Oh, I could’ve had more sex and my ex and I would still be together? Noted (puts on sunglasses and starts silently weeping).”

When we go through a breakup there are so many storylines; sort of like Game of Thrones. There are so many storylines of how the relationship ended; what happened, how it could have been prevented, where it went wrong, what could have been done differently. You can literally drive yourself insane with the “whys” and I have.

 meme

I have not talked about the breakup with, well, we will call him Hank. It’s been a painful and arduous experience. You see, with Hank, I needed him because I loved him; I didn’t love him because I needed him. He enhanced my potential, he made me better. When the relationship ended, I was just left there staring at the wall…I mean, literally staring at the wall…saying what the fuck just happened? I guess I just thought I had found someone where the illusion of stability in a relationship would last forever.

It’s been six months since our breakup and I still think about why we ended. Did we not talk enough about the impact that my brain surgery was going to have? Should we have discussed my diagnoses in more length to see if it was something our relationship could withstand? Did he feel lonely? Did he not feel loved? Did he cheat on me because I could not give him what he needed?

My ego has a very strong hold on my heart. I need to let go of the whys; I need to be vulnerable and open. I need to connect with the pain, but allow myself to move on and then connect more fluidly with other people.

In all honesty, my ego has also played a huge role in being cruel with my words to Hank. I wanted him to feel pain the way I am feeling pain. Hank went from being my lover, best friend to now being what feels like the worst of enemies. He went from being someone I couldn’t wait to run and hug, to now crying when I see his name. Love is a real mother fucker.

You see I cherished Hank, he was extremely precious to me, as valuable to me as my own life, and I truly loved him.

I don’t know how long it will take me to recover from this breakup, but I do know that if I ever have the opportunity to be in another long term relationship with someone, I want to engage my partner in an openhearted way, notice that my partner is an ever changing person and that we can change together, acknowledge suffering and pain in one another, I want my partner to be home with a foundation built on self-love.

JV