Slim Pickens as defined by Urban Dictionary, when there is a lack of the opposite sex around. What I like about Urban Dictionary is they always put the word in a thoughtful, yet, appropriate sentence; you know, so you fully understand the meaning of the word. damn dawg it is slim pickens tonight, where are all of the hottiemonjaros? If you’re curious as to the meaning of a ”hottiemonjaro,” I will let you google it.
In a previous post I said I wasn’t going to join a dating site; well, I lied. I joined good ol’ Match.com. I joined not because I want jump right into another relationship, because I do not, but because I want to meet new people and have some fun. I am 32 dammit, how else am I supposed to meet people?
Perhaps I am trying too hard to find a suitor, but at least I am putting myself out there, you know, I am trying. To entertain myself and to shed light on things I might be doing wrong, I decided to brush up on my dating etiquette compliments of Match.com and Eharmony.com. Both very interesting reads from people who live and breathe all things dating and have encountered more than one neurotic lady. I give you a list of rules that I am repeatedly breaking:
1. Talk about your past relationships. This is a big no-no. If your last boyfriend is all you can thinking to about on a date, perhaps you’re not quite ready to date yet. Take time to get over the last relationship before embarking on the next one. I am very much guilty of this, not so much talking about my ex’s but thinking of them and wishing I were with them instead of being out with said potential suitor.
2. Put out on the first date. If the chemistry’s right, sparks may be flying. You may be tempted to make that first date a sleepover. It’s not the end of the world if this happens, but you’re really interested in this guy, rein in your libido and date smart. Get to know him better before you get in the sack with him. I have never slept with someone on the first date but I have on the second date. I have learned, after two failed “sexy time on D2”, to not give up the cookie so quickly; giving up the cookie too quickly leads to disappointment, broken dreams and lackluster results.
3. High Heels. Guys love gals in sky-high heels, but wedges don’t count. Wait, what?!
4. Height preference. The dating guide details a study where 77 out of 79 women admit they wouldn’t date a man shorter than them. GUILTY! I am 5’8 and I would prefer not to date a man who is vertically challenged, after all, I wear three to four-inch ‘wedges’.
5. Strike a pose. I have isolated the problem. Note to self: Must pose more.
6. Tardiness. Per the dating gurus, this sends out a negative message. BUT how am I supposed to make a grand, perfectly posed entrance if the guy isn’t even there?
After reading the dating guides written by the dating Gods themselves, I am doing a few things right. I like to smile lots, I am proactive, enthusiastic, and, most importantly, myself. According to Eharmony and Match other attributes include: tousled hair, smiling lots, not wearing really tight pants or ordering spaghetti (which I would because I am Italian) and, last but certainly not least, not jumping too quickly into sexy talk.
I will be the first one to admit I have a number of things to work on. I am sure if you polled the most important people in my life they would probably say I am in need of an attitude adjustment. But, let’s focus on the good things; I smile lots and I don’t settle.
I might also be looking in the wrong places to meet said perfect suitor. Not so good spots to meet a man: the gas station, the DMV, a rap concert and weddings. Really awesome spots to snag a tall drink of water: Lake of the Isles, a Lord Huron or Bon Iver concert, Target Field, BlackBlue…so I think it is time to set up a booth at one of these fine locales and prowl for potential suitors. Inquiries may or may not include:
1. Would you consider taking a yoga class?
2. Do you own any Affliction apparel?
3. Do your friends love you as much as you love them?
4. Do you wear socks with sandals?
5. Please describe your talents in spider killing.
6. Do you currently posses a selfie with a large fish?
7. Describe your relationship with your family.
8. When was the last time you visited the dentist?
…but I shall not limit my scope too much.
Yes, I did just get dumped, but I had a wonderful weekend with my sister from another mister, and I am currently obsessively listening to NEEDTOBREATHE and Foy Vance, paging through some very helpful self-help books, which includes a chapter that begins with “Well Fuck”, I mean…who wouldn’t want to read that, loving my job and my team, figuring out to love working out, dreaming of my Italian get-a-way with my parents in September; I should be, by all accounts, blissfully happy but something is missing – I am missing that piece to my puzzle.
Despite my tendency to be a tad anxious and needy, I am blessed with wonderful friends, an AMAZING family, and a job with wonderful co-workers. I am taking a slight repose to strip myself of pre-judgements, common dating mistakes (high heels instead of wedges), and empty calories I am consuming in the twix and kit kat bars I seem to always find myself indulging in. After I figure out what Jess really wants, I will return ready for my next adventure in the quest to find the ultimate partner with whom to share a bountiful life.
Until then, I will be playing Phil Collins and rockin out to some air drums.