I went to work today. For the first time in about a week; I got up, put on make-up, pretended to care. I tried to silence the violent noise in my head (“it’s not over”, “it ended too quickly”). I put on a performance, I put on a show today – slapped on a smile, made it work.
The one person I wanted to love me stopped believing. He literally just stopped trying. When I was hiding, he could always find me and now, when I need him to find me, he won’t; I am lost and completely heartbroken.
When someone tells you that they don’t love you anymore and they haven’t loved you for a long time, no words can describe that pain. Just like, holy fucking shit…the love of my life, whom I love with every ounce of my being, doesn’t love me back. He just told me this in a fucking text message that I get to read over and over again. It’s as if someone grabbed the sharpest razor and just started stabbing me over and over. Like Season 6 of Game of Thrones when Jon Snow was being stabbed to death, and the final stab by Olly – “your watch has ended” – only for me it was “your relationship has ended”. Looking back, he put on the performance, he put on the show.
Fuck, man, I really hope I can love again. People are telling me “it will get better, you will get over this and be stronger”. It’s so hard for me to comprehend because we went through so much together. I had brain surgery, we traveled all over the world, we had two dogs that we loved so much…just like…shit (I mean, not like poop…but, you know). We just went through so much and it’s over…so over.
That’s all for now.