Lovely Bruises

2018…

I want to first start off this post by giving a huge shout out to our MN Vikings for one hell of game last night. I don’t like football, in fact, I loathe football, but let me tell you something, this game…this game WAS EPIC. It did something for all of the people in Minnesota regardless if you are sports fan or not, it just made you feel fucking good and happy; we all needed that.

Alright, so I have not posted in awhile. We had Christmas and New Years and then there was this situation with my lady part….

Did you ladies know that your little lady (I am referring to your vagina) can get stressed out? I am not talking about an STD or a yeast infection; I am literally saying your lady part can get mad at you.

So, I was dating Nick and we had a night where he came over, and there was this odd thing where he grabbed my hand, and did one of those “feel for it”, but it was just like gliding my hand over a slab of bologna meat…and then he was kissing me like a lizard. It was so awkward and too much, I literally couldn’t handle life. Then this MF passed out, and was having night sweats in MY BED, and then I had to wake his ass up and had to ask him to leave; keep in mind he is 6’6. I think any ladies vagina would get stressed out; I mean…

After this incident, I was like, okay Jess…you need to get your shit together…be done with online dating because it’s awful, focus on your career, be social, be a yes person, figure out my happy.

Riding the Waves of My Life

For the last couple of months I have been dating Dan; the guy I used to date a few years ago. AND FUCK MAN, I really like Dan. He makes me happy whenever we are together; that’s the kicker, when we are together. When we are not together, I have no idea when I am going to hear from him. We went out for Pho on Thursday night and I have yet to hear from him. I told Dan how I feel about him, in a text message, and his response was basically “samesies”, and I have yet to hear from him since that message; which was on Thursday, it’s now Monday.

It’s hard with Dan, because when I am with him there are moments of precise feelings that I have never felt before. He, my best friend and I were all at a concert a few weeks ago, and my best friend turned to me and said, “I have not heard you laugh like this in a very, very long time”.

Here’s the deal, I love to love and I just want someone to like me as much as I like them. I want to be acknowledged and be pursued. I want someone to text me because they’re thinking of me, or they saw something and it reminded them of me. I want to be wanted.

I could hug Dan for…well ever. I enjoy his hugs and enjoy his company, but unfortunately I don’t think the feelings are mutual and if my text message scared him off…well, that is too bad.

Attending to the Details

The change in careers is possibly the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I was miserable in my last job and it showed in every aspect of my life. You have to enjoy what you do for work…you just gotta, you spend so much time doing that activity and surrounding yourself with those people. I am so happy where I am at. The job, the people…all of it. I could not have made a better move for myself.

I have become really close with a co-worker, I call him my “work husband”. He’s fucking awesome and he makes work fun and we just do fun things together. I like surrounding myself with positive people.

What’s Next

ARUBA!!! This girl is off to Aruba!!

Then…well, I don’t know…

Old Lovers

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m over men in general, or if I’m just completely numb from my break-up with Hank. Everything about dating and men…people, really. So over it.

I recently went on seven dates with a guy, which is six more than I usually go on, so I feel like I’m improving.

Enter, Nick, after my sabbatical from online dating and solely focusing on loving myself; which included a job change and learning that my ex had been cheating on me, I decided it was time to see what was out there; slim Pickens, people, slim Pickens.

Anyhooter, I met Nick on a Sunday afternoon at Spyhouse Coffee in Northeast. I arrived late, because at this point, I just don’t care anymore. Spyhouse was so annoyingly crowded, we walked on over to a brewery and then I learned all about Nick. He is tall, 6’6 tall…so, I had the tall piece covered. He was a medic in the Marines, works at the VA…lives in Minneapolis, has good man hands. Whatever, I figured I’d entertain the idea of more dates, he made me laugh so why not? So, we went on more dates, had more conversations and more laughs.

Then, we went to brunch one Sunday in Kenwood, (where I basically grew up) and as I was driving I spotted this attractive fellow walking, and I as I stared I said out loud “is that Da..Holy shit! It’s Dan”! I almost crashed into Burch Steakhouse as I was staring at him.

I met Nick for Brunch and it was nice, but I was thinking about Dan. I dated Dan about four years ago, and man, did I ~~love~~ like him. He was so unique and so genuine. Then there’s me, Ms. Neurotic, “you don’t text me enough, so this isn’t going to work…” and, yep, I ended things because I was a needy ass hole. A few days after almost killing Dan, I ended up finding him on Instagram and I messaged him (what? I have stalker like tendencies) We went out a few days later…more on Dan in a bit; have to finish up with Nick.

Nick ended up coming over one night. He smelled like a vodka distillery, but whatever, people go and have drinks on the weekend; I sit at home and watch re-runs of Friends – no judgement. I rented a movie and asked Nick if he wanted something to drink; he said whiskey. I was all…ummmm but you smell like booze already. Whatever. I poured him a finger pour of Knob Creek and then I was excited to watch my terrible action movie with my dog…and Nick. Then what did Nick proceed to do? TALK!! Oh, Nick…my poor, sweet soul. Never, EVER talk during a movie. What are Jess’ biggest pet peeves you ask? Loud chewers and movie talkers. I digress..I wanted to find the sharpest object and stab it repeatedly in my eye. I bit my tongue and just said, “hey! Look! a movie!” THEN Nick wanted to make out…which fine…but he kissed like a lizard and I just can’t. It was all too much.

Then he passed out…yes, HE PASSED THE FUCK OUT, and since he ruined the movie, I put on Friends and did some online shopping. I kicked his ass out when he asked “who are you texting” Bitch, why are you passing out and having night sweats in my bed! I’m texting the only thing that never lets me down, Nordstrom.

Nick and I were supposed to go to brunch the next day; that didn’t happen. I also have not talked to him since. I can’t do it. All I picture is a lizard.

Dan…loud sigh…he’s still that same unique man I remember. We went to this hidden gem of Japanese Whiskey Bar called Gori Gori Peku. The lighting was dim, we were the only two in the quaint little space, and there were about twenty Japanese Whiskeys just staring at us all sexy like. It was wonderful. After a few cocktails we decided to go get food at Red Rabbit, which was excellent. Dan and I always have a really good time when we’re out because we have the same interests. In my head I just wanted to grab his buns and say “be mine, forever!!!” But I didn’t want to come off too strong. Dan and I haven’t gone out since. Schedules haven’t aligned and, again, I just don’t really care, so we shall see what happens.

And now…well, let’s see…my Friday night consisted of sitting in traffic, coming home, crawling into bed with my dog, and looking at memes.

My Saturday has now consisted of going to get my nails done, working, and now binge watching Schitts Creek…with my dog…in bed.

And, you know what? I’m completely happy; sometimes I miss having a hug from a man, but I’d rather just hug my dog, it comes with less bull shit.

Brain Surgery and Being a Hydro Warrior

On February 3, 2016 my world forever changed. I had brain surgery because I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus.

I do not talk about my diagnoses much because I don’t want it to to define who I am, but recently I feel as though many could relate to what I am going through, and I don’t want people to feel alone.

I started a new job last week, one that I have absolutely fallen in love with; however, it is hard work and for the first time in two years, I have to drive into an office and work eight straight hours. At my previous job, I could work from home almost every day and work at all hours of the day; just as long as the work got done. It was my second day at my new job, and I got into my car and just started bawling. I cried the entire one hour and thirty minutes it took to get home. I was not crying because I didn’t like my job, or because traffic was terrible (which it was), I was crying because I had a terrible headache and I had this headache all day.

I remember when I first started having these terrible headaches. I had just started at Thomson Reuters; I was sitting at my desk, and I said to myself “I think I am going to to go to the Urgency Room and see what’s going on”. I left work, went to the Urgency Room…and, well…this is where everything started.

The doctor advised that it would be best to get a CT scan and I was so embarrassed because I did not think it was necessary. By the time I was done with the scan my mom had arrived and we were just sitting in the room waiting for the results. The doctor came in and grabbed a chair and I knew something was wrong. If nothing was wrong why would he get comfortable? He said that the CT scan results came back abnormal, and then I just looked at my mom, and she looked at me, and then everything in the world just sort of stopped moving; the only thing I could hear was the beating of my own heart. Then I heard him say tumor and I snapped back to and I said “what…what did you just say”? He said, “You need an MRI ASAP, because we are unsure what your results indicate; it might be a tumor, but at this point, we are unsure.” A part of me just wanted to start laughing, a part of me just wanted to cry and a part of me just wanted to crawl into a black hole and not come out.

I went and got an MRI the next day and during the MRI they stopped midway through, pulled me out and said, “have you had any recent head trauma? Your brain ventricles are very large.” NO, GOD DAMMIT! At this point I was sick of people telling me things that were not an absolute, you know? The MRI results showed that I had enlarged brain ventricles which indicated that I probably had a condition known as Hydrocephalus.

The next day I got a phone call from my doctor and they told me to go to the hospital and have a spinal tap performed. So, that’s what I did, and when the spinal tap was being performed, the ER doctor tapped my spinal column….ohhh about five times and missed. I went to radiology for the sixth and final attempt at a spinal tap, and after the fluid was released, I had relief of my headache. It was at that point that the doctors knew I had hydrocephalus. However, since my spine had been stabbed so many times, the next day I had a spinal tap headache. I then had to go back to the ER and get a spinal patch.

I was diagnosed with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. At first I was like, okay…so what medication can I take? Just give me whatever I need and I will be on my way. Nope; that’s not how this monster works.

Hydrocephalus is treatable it is NOT curable
Hydrocephalus is only treatable through BRAIN surgery (only 30% are the patient’s first surgery to treat hydrocephalus)

I met with my neurosurgeon and he reviewed all my scans, and basically my entire life history, and when we sat and looked at my brain together, he turned to me and said, you need brain surgery; you need the surgery so we can insert this shunt and allow CSF to flow freely again. Your brain is pushing against your skull, and your ventricles are very enlarged. If you don’t have surgery things will get much worse, very soon. Then he threw in…I will also be shaving half your head.

So, there I was. Sitting in this office with my dad and my neurosurgeon; they only thing I could fucking think about was this guy shaving half my head!

I was scared, shit man, I still am scared. After that meeting I drove home by myself, and I thought about death, and how my life was going to change. I don’t think anyone really knows that feeling unless you have been put in that position to feel that feeling. I was at my most vulnerable, but I was okay because I knew that up until that moment I had lived a great life and I was loved. You know, I knew what it meant to be truly grateful.

The day of surgery I tried to remain calm because I knew if I was freaking out then it was just going to create chaos around me. In my head I was thinking…today someone is cutting into my brain, MY BRAIN!, they are inserting a foreign object and I have to live with this shunt for the rest of my life. They took me back and I was so nervous and they gave me happy meds…and then I was out. I woke up, and I remember asking for dilaudid. I was alive…I made it.

I spent four days in neuro ICU and my family was always there. That’s really all I remember. My family…and my hair missing. Let me tell you something, my family are some of the strongest people I know. Yes, hydrocephalus impacts me and I stress out everyday from the impacts of it, but my family stresses out, too, but they do not give up on me, some have and that’s their choice, but my true family has never left my side. I love all of you, more than you will ever know.

It’s coming up on my two year anniversary of my first brain surgery. This has been the hardest two years of my fucking life. I still have headaches. I have headaches when it’s cold, warm, sunny; when it rains, snows; when it’s humid, when it’s perfect outside. I have a headache right now. I am scared that when I have a bad headache it means that my shunt isn’t working, and I will have to have another brain surgery to fix the issue. I am scared that no one will ever love me again because my brain parts are broken. I am scared that I will die on the operating room table if I have another brain surgery. I am sick of doctors and doctors appointments.

I hope for a cure for this condition. I hope for a cure for all illnesses; no one should suffer, but if you are, know that you’re not alone and know that you are fucking valuable.

Self Love

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to figure out how to love myself. It has involved a lot of yoga, meditation writing, discussions with myself, and taking a step back and really examining my life.

We live in a world filled with distractions; social media, online dating, television…the new Sam Smith album(ugly crying)…but what if we just turned off the distractions and focused on ourselves, befriended ourselves? These distractions deter us from the raw emotions that we need to feel; loneliness, heartbreak, anger, sadness, or even happiness.

In the beginning dating was a huge distraction for me, but no matter how attractive the guy was, no matter how much fun we were having, the date always ended up like a mini therapy session. “Oh, I could’ve had more sex and my ex and I would still be together? Noted (puts on sunglasses and starts silently weeping).”

When we go through a breakup there are so many storylines; sort of like Game of Thrones. There are so many storylines of how the relationship ended; what happened, how it could have been prevented, where it went wrong, what could have been done differently. You can literally drive yourself insane with the “whys” and I have.

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I have not talked about the breakup with, well, we will call him Hank. It’s been a painful and arduous experience. You see, with Hank, I needed him because I loved him; I didn’t love him because I needed him. He enhanced my potential, he made me better. When the relationship ended, I was just left there staring at the wall…I mean, literally staring at the wall…saying what the fuck just happened? I guess I just thought I had found someone where the illusion of stability in a relationship would last forever.

It’s been six months since our breakup and I still think about why we ended. Did we not talk enough about the impact that my brain surgery was going to have? Should we have discussed my diagnoses in more length to see if it was something our relationship could withstand? Did he feel lonely? Did he not feel loved? Did he cheat on me because I could not give him what he needed?

My ego has a very strong hold on my heart. I need to let go of the whys; I need to be vulnerable and open. I need to connect with the pain, but allow myself to move on and then connect more fluidly with other people.

In all honesty, my ego has also played a huge role in being cruel with my words to Hank. I wanted him to feel pain the way I am feeling pain. Hank went from being my lover, best friend to now being what feels like the worst of enemies. He went from being someone I couldn’t wait to run and hug, to now crying when I see his name. Love is a real mother fucker.

You see I cherished Hank, he was extremely precious to me, as valuable to me as my own life, and I truly loved him.

I don’t know how long it will take me to recover from this breakup, but I do know that if I ever have the opportunity to be in another long term relationship with someone, I want to engage my partner in an openhearted way, notice that my partner is an ever changing person and that we can change together, acknowledge suffering and pain in one another, I want my partner to be home with a foundation built on self-love.

Mr. Bohemian

I decided it was time to go off the swipe apps and just have a profile on match.com, because I am certain that I will find my soulmate in the questionable and seedy world of…you guessed it http://www.match.com

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And so the spotlight shines on Adam at the establishment known as Black Sheep Coffee Cafe. It’s very adorable. I would recommend to anyone in South St. Paul looking for a non-chain cappuccino and scone.

I walk in, Adam was waiting for me, we ordered our respective caffeinated beverages and then opted to sit outside. We had good conversation; mostly because we have the same type of careers, but who wants to talk about work on a first date? He just got a new pit-bull puppy AND THAT I can talk about for…well…EVER! Dogs and Italy. Those two subjects and I can talk about forever. I made him laugh a few times because I am funny, he didn’t really make me laugh, but I am hard to please.

It was a good first date. We covered a lot of topics; he doesn’t drink much, likes to smoke a lot of weed, likes to go on “adventures” to the boundary waters, works at 3M, works weird hours, owns a house, he is 29, has a pit-bull, sort of tall, doesn’t have trex hands, we did wear the same Birkenstock sandals… We decided to go on a second a date.

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Adam and I met at Crave Sushi in Woodbury on Friday. Just for funsies I am going to recap my week leading up to my date with fun Adam.

On Wednesday, after not really feeling well for most of the week, I almost died at work. I usually work from home, but Wednesday’s I go into the office, and I saw my life flash before my eyes in porcelain toilet that, I am pretty sure, 5,000 butts see in one day. My dear sweet co-workers had to grab our work 911 nurse and they had to quarantine me before the sickness I had spread to other workerbees.

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Then, the next day, I had my Botox treatment to help with these god awful headaches I have everyday, so I was stuck with a needle about 30 times in my skull, neck and shoulders. The good news is that I haven’t been having headaches!! Yay for botulism!

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The scene starts at Crave in Woodbury. Adam had been waiting for about 10 minutes because I was getting my nails done. Lady has to do what a lady has to do to look good, amiright? My outfit was on point. Camo jacket, ripped skinny jeans, white blouse, black go with every sandals. My hair…my hair was not doing so well. My head hurt, I still felt a little sick. Am I talking too much about myself? I digress.

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Adam couldn’t pick the restaurant, strike 1, he couldn’t order the food, strike 2, the conversation revolved around his dog, strike 3. To top everything off, he kept talking about this girl that worked at Crave and that he went to high school with her. So, I said “Do you want her to come join us for dinner? We have more than enough food. I will go ask her.” He just laughed. Oh, sweet Adam…I was not joking. THEN he kept staring at this other woman the bar…so, again, I said “Do you want me to invite her over here?” Then I asked for the check.

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Am I an ass hole? Maybe I am an ass hole, but MAAANNNNN; it’s dates like these that leave me numb and brokenhearted. It’s nights like these where I find myself sitting in my driveway talking to the moon, all alone, yelling out your name; telling it how I really feel about you.

…nope…this will not turn into a sappy love letter. Who has time for that? I have dates to go on.

Bumbler and Something Called Coffee Meets Bagel

I had the most perfect date last night. He was tall we talked about our shared love of dogs, travel and Game of Thrones. We sipped on wine and ate pasta just like in Lady and the Tramp. It was a 10/10 evening; he even texted me this morning and wished me a good day!

Nah I am just kiddin’

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Dating in 2017 is rough, man. It’s hard out here in the streets.

Let’s recap the dating sites and my quest to find a tall drink of water.

Bumble

Bumble has proven to be the best site for the most attractive men; however, said attractive men never respond and it’s exhausting to keep writing witty messages to men who don’t respond.

Tinder

Oh, my.

I just…Tinder can be best described through descriptive story telling. Once I swipe right to someone, I usually am swiping purely based on appearance;

mostly because they don’t write anything about themselves, but if I am being completely honest, a lady has needs; however, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be treated like a lady.

So, I swipe right, and BAM! I am matched with a man, I chat him something Jess like, and then without further adieu, I get a text with something like “Hey sexy girl, send me a picture of your _______.” I will let you include

whatever lady naughty bits you would like. Now, I could just ignore the guy OR I could just flirt and mess with him. I chose the latter. So, after flirting for awhile, I sent him a picture of my dogs naughty bits…right, because THAT is hilarious.

On my Tinder profile I have both pictures of me with short hair and long hair. I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s fucking hair. I digress. One of MPDs finest chatted me and was all, “Hey girl…blah, blah” and then I called him out on something, then he was like “do you have short hair or long hair?” I wouldn’t tell him because I wanted to know why it was

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a big deal and he said ” I don’t know which one is you in your pictures?” DUUUUUDE….you must not be THAT good at your job. There is one constant face in ALL the pictures, and the only other person in those pictures has blonde hair, or it’s my dog. I mean, it’s not like I gained 200 pounds and now I identify as a man. Grow up Peter Pan!

I did start talking to a fellow; he told me that he had women ask him to pay their student loan debt off. I was kind of taken aback by the situation. Then I thought about it…well, you do advertise that you live in a BIG house, have a winter and summer car, boat and all this other crap. You attract those women. He ‘ghosted’ me. I was sad I didn’t have time to ask him to pay my student loan debt off.

I think I have 21 matches in my Tinder queue; NOT 1 has asked me out on a date. Shame.

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Is too much as to ask a lady out? Treat her to a glass of whiskey and a god damn taco?!

Coffee Meets Bagel

Yeah…I have no idea; apparently I have bagels waiting.

Conclusion

These swipey apps are seriously the worst, but they’re kind of addicting. I find myself judging people based on, well, teeth. If a man doesn’t have good dental hygiene, does a man have good personal hygiene? I feel as though a man with bad oral health wears socks with sandals…

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You know what’s a good show? You’re the Worst. I need to go to more weddings.

Girlfriends

I had dinner tonight with an old girlfriend; someone I didn’t think I would ever see again. It was so good to see her. I met her at yoga teacher training almost four years ago. I miss yoga. Fucking headaches.

The thing I am understanding about friendships right now is that they are more meaningful than ever before; the conversations I am having mean more, the laughter I am experiencing is meaning more, because not only was the break-up with Jake a traumatic experience, I also had brain surgery and as much as I want to admit that it didn’t have an important role in my break-up, it did. It was a seismic event that shook me and my families belief in a just world; robbing us of a world that is controllable and predictable. I need to understand that at any given moment my life can change and I need to experience ALL this life has to offer.

I need to learn to accept that being alone is okay. There are many successful women who find great joy in not having a man (They’re probably so joyful because they don’t have a man…amiright?).
I get asked all the time “what are you passionate about?” and I cannot answer that question. I smile and say “dogs.” This break-up from Jake, while heart-breakingly painful, will give me the chance to really reflect on all things Jess. It’s going to allow me to be selfish and to do whatever the hell I want.

My heart is slowly starting to heal and it isn’t because of some man; it’s because of my girlfriends like Christen and Laura, who prove to me that women are resilient, and we find joy and happiness in our own outlets, we just have to know where to look.